READER’S CRUISE

“I need a membership and a quiet place please”, Hiranya had requested to the library assistant of Reader’s Cruise library. The assistant looked at Hiranya’s face for few moments as Hiranya’s face was not of those kind she would forget easily but contrary her face had sprouted pity in the heart of assistant thus she spoke to herself “oh my dear poor soul !”

“Can I get membership?” Hiranya had to repeat herself only to bring back the assistant from her thoughts.

“I’m so sorry”, the assistant adjusted her big black eye frame, “sure and we have few premium cabins just as you need, dear but it would cost three times than usual”, she provided the information to Hiranya then continued, “should I make an ID for you, dear?”

Hiranya simply nodded as yes to her question and asked for the direction. The assistant danced her fingers on the keyboard then printed the smart card ID for Hiranya. Hiranya walked the stairs up on the third floor which had separate closed colored cubicles. When she observed the cubicles then she found it nothing more than a maze of colors though she had lost her interest in life due to recent tragedy in her life. Before a year she had a family and today she was an orphan. So she entered in yellow cabin and closed the door back but after five or ten minutes she felt uncomfortable to breathe. She looked moved her head uneasily in the cabin then she found switch for ventilation; finally she had switched on the ventilation to breathe normal. She couldn’t control herself and broke down on the desk. She sobbed for few minutes then dived into her memories.

“How do I look in this saree, Jai”, Hiranya dramatically asked her husband’s opinion.

“Not bad”, he reached for another saree, “but why settle on enchantress when you can be the Aphrodite in the red one”. He had reminded her that the red is made for her. She wiped her tears to her while pelerine matched to her white salwar suit. She had shown pity for her empty life and the anger for her faith that had laid this miserable life in front of her. She changed her mind and left the cabin in the mood but then her eyes caught the sight of the red last cabin in the third row. She walked to the cabin, opened the door, installed in the chair, turned on the ventilation and when she calmed herself down then registered the smart card into the swipe slot of the small display which read “Welcome Dear Reader, Hiranya” and the door display too displayed her name Hiranya Kashyap. She made herself familiar with the cabin and read the history of the Reader’s Cruise inside the brochure placed on the desk. She spent an hour in cabin noticing few dissimilarities like the color, the cushion on the chair, even the ventilation was fresher than the yellow one, the red panels of the cabin beautified by golden engraving that she couldn’t know about anything but she had guessed it as the Sanskrit script and small decorative designs. Everything of the cabin delighted her somehow before she left the library.

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After reaching home she had googled “all time best motivational books” and so results took her on a website where the list had suggested great books like the Alchemist, You are a Badass,  Make Your Bed, the Four Agreements and others so she read further about each book and finally had selected “Man’s Search For Meaning by Victor Frankl: it is a story of himself as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps”. As per the library rules she updated her request of the same book in the Reader’s Cruise App  and went to sleep once the request had been accepted.

It was nine in the morning yet she was feeling tired so cancelled her visit to the library and thought “may be tomorrow” and she pulled over the blanket again. She had thought that sleeping more would reduce her agony and voices of memories from the past but it affected her in opposite way; it just caused her more sufferance and again immersed in the memories of her husband.

“Hiranya, there was a period of suffering in my life”, he had told her on the same bed she was sleeping, ” I was depressed then it cost me my job and finally I made distance from my friend and society. Then one day I met you and after that rest is paradise”, he had kissed her, “but one thing made me walk upto you”.

” what was that thing, Jai?” she had asked him resting her head on his chest.

“Before I met you I had met with the books”, he had answered playing with her hairs, “books gave me strength to walk to you and start a new life for myself. I was deserving this life”.

She was fighting with the pain since a year and wanted a new life for herself too. She had lived  just 32 years of her life and if this would go on then the rest of the life would be counted as died….so and that years. His voice echoed “I was deserving this life and so you do Hiranya”. And by the 11am she was sitting in the red cabin reading the same requested book in illustrated hard cover format which she had appreciated. She read till the 2 pm then took a break for lunch in the canteen. She was chewing the burger alone then joined by the assistant with her permission. She introduced herself as Merry Williams.

“the library is very good and especially the third floor. It is very quiet their so reading is effective and deep. But who is your employer, Merry?” Hiranya asked her.

She too ordered the same burger and said before taking a large bite, “I have been employed by me to my own library, dear”.

“Are you sure, Merry?” She asked playfully.

They both shared a smile. Hiranya had apologized for the joke. Merry had this smile on her face, “don’t be sorry for living the life, dear. You look absolutely Venus when you smile”, she stopped eating and continued, “can I ask you something personal only of you don’t mind?”

Hiranya enjoying her food said full mouth, “sure, ask me anything”.

“Yesterday when I saw you suddenly bunch of questions rushed in my mind like why does she wear the white, why she is dull, she want to cry but why does she hold back, why she stopped living and most importantly where is the light of her eye?”

Suddenly Hiranya stopped eating. She stared Merry for a moment in silence. She grabbed her belongings and left the canteen sobbing. In the night before sleep rest on her eyes she thought about the day.

“It was good. I would say it was amazing to see you reading and talking with that good Merry”, Jai had spoken to her on the bed laying beside her. She startled at first but then thought it was in her mind.

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Next morning she woke up at 6am and had on her another white Salwar suit out of all white Salwar suits. As soon she entered into the library, she was greeted by Merry but she walked to third floor straight absolutely deliberately avoiding her. Merry felt bad for her behavior. When she sat on the chair she felt the red panels brighter than yesterday. Again she continued the book from the bookmarked page and went to take her afternoon meal once had  finished the book. She had taken few notes of quotes and dialogues from the book that she was reading while eating the burger. Like yesterday Merry joined her but before that she had apologized for last day behavior. But she replied her with the same line “don’t be sorry for living the life, dear”. They shared a short smile.

“Today I want to ask a personal question to you”, Hiranya hinted Merry.

“Personal. Huh!” She waved her hand, “the older the book the more it is studied, dear”.

“how do you get such grand library in India? I mean you look foreigner”.

“Dear, I am an Indian as equal as you. It is a British era establishment established by my grandfather. Me and Mr. Williams married then ran this library together for many years but he died due to cancer. He loved this place more than anything else save me alone. Anyway we are the old stories now”. And they focused on their food more and less on talking. They were talking everything to get to know each other then abruptly Hiranya said, “I was an orphan raised in the Saints Orphanage. Jai and I met accidentally but we fell for each other at first sight and without delaying we married next month. Obviously his parents weren’t ready to accept me but he had convinced them to stay with us so he took the car to his village and on return a heavy vehicle dashed into the car and at once I lost my entire family. In the end I became what I was; an orphan”.

Merry placed her hands on her, “indeed it is unfortunate but in this place you can read millions of stories and can become one of the protagonists. I am sure your husband would have wanted a new life for you”.

Hiranya looked at her shockingly thinking about the last night and asked her leave.

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It was the best night she had had in a year however bit of confusion of the mixed feelings about the voice and shadows of her husband living with her. She was gazing herself after shower in front of the mirror thinking of the possible new life. “You owe nothing to me and my family. Hiranya you can start the new life for yourself. It is sad but true that we are  not with you but I am happy that you lived so give yourself a second chance and live your life” she experienced the voice whispering in her ears so she unconsciously walked to the cupboard, fished for old wears and tried on the jeans and top but removed as she was felt uncomfortable to return in habitual life. So she made herself comfortable in the green Salwar Suit.

“Marvelous!” She had received first complement from the imaginary companion.

With a smiling and bright face she greeted Merry and straight walked into her cabin. She knew that she had forgotten to update the request so she walked out of the cabin and reached to the huge  collection of books inserted in the old blackthorn wooden shelves engraved with similar patter to her red cabin. While returning with a small book she observed all cabins engaged and locked but what cheered her most was the bright red color of her cabin that blown in warmth into her thinking. She energetically reached on her seat and opened the book titled “the Common Ordinary Fellow: a book about a common man dealing with everyday problems and system but failed to release his anger against any of that”.

She finished the book in one reading and placed the book on the shelve. She observed the bright red had turned pale so her beat skipped for once but then she looked at her smart watch displaying 4 pm so she thought it was due to low light in the room. She ordered strong black coffee and about to sip, Merry joined her and wondered, “that’s different”.

“What! What is the difference”, Hiranya asked as bitterly as her coffee was, “Do you need to sit here every fucking time?”

“I am sorry if I have offended you, dear”, Merry passed the complement, “you look amazing in the green but I am sure red would be no match on you”.

“Who cares”, she answered coldly, “mind you own business, old lady”.

“What on earth are you reading, dear?” Merry inquired genuinely, “why are you giving me hell, Hiranya. I have done nothing to you except to cheer up your mood?”

She realized her mistake. at once she tried to spit out many words but only bumbled, “I…I….am..so…sorry”. And she left in rush.

She had  starved herself all the day and now the bitterness of the coffee ruining her mouth. She washed her mouth  and wanted to drink tea but ended up with another black coffee of which caffeine mixed into her blood. It lightened her mood. She started making her dinner then the shadow of her husband came out of nowhere to said, “how was your day?”

“I know you are not real”, she ignored him saying, “hush up and fuck off”.

“Ouch!” He tried to light her mood up, “even it hurts to the dead ones”.

” Exactly, you are dead moron so fuck off like you have done”,

He walked closer to her but she took few steps back, “I told you take me with you but you wanted me to welcome your parents but you never returned only the dead bodies”, she burst out in tears, “you left me alone to rot in this miserable mire. It was you who ruined my life by taking back what you gave me”, she threw a cup at him which passed through the shadow, and hit on the wall and the pieces of the cup had spread in the kitchen she sobbed while on her knees, “you see I am an orphan again so please fuck off “.

He had said this before vanishing, “why are you giving me hell? I was hoping a light chit chat but it seems your day was uncommonly extraordinary”.

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She sobbed the whole night without sleeping so she skipped the next day and the day after tomorrow thus she again returned to the old life. The shadow came at last and said, “you can’t sit here for eternity. Forget about that day as a bad dream and go to out there and live the life you have had chosen”.

“But I was spitting mad to you and Merry; she is a good lady with good heart but I insulted her and I am not ready to face her”. She had placed herself in one corner of the bedroom.

He from another opposite corner said, “indeed she is  a good woman and you are too. So go and apologize her, I am sure she will forgive you”.

“and you? Will you ever forgive me for the yesterday?”

He came closer to her, “I am just in your head. I am your thoughts. If you are kind enough to forgive yourself then I would be too happy to accept your apology”.

She smiled and fished for orange wears then reached to the library. First she had apologized to Merry then invited her to lunch in the canteen after reading. The red appeared normal today. She searched for books and found another motivational book titled “Celestine Prophecy”. She was returning to the cabin humming her favorite music score but she was interrupted by a loud noise of a thudding. She turned back. Saw a book on the floor. She went to pick but the title caught her attention “Kama Sutra: Love of the Ancients”. She opened the book and somehow it smelled already experienced like the smell of her far gone husband. She turned few pages and saw nude images of couple savoring each other and read the art given beside it. She placed the first book on shelve and locked herself into the cabin with the book.

First she went through the index. Read each topic’s title carefully one after another, finally her fingers stopped at “How to Love Yourself Explosively”. She started the chapter with illustrated nude images of a woman in her bed. She read the guide to get the explosive organism by touching herself but what had excited her more was the nude images of a man playing with his shaft. It was neither too big nor thick but she hadn’t seen it for a year so it appeared her bigger and thicker. Her mouth went dry and she keep drinking water to make it wet but she failed every time. Her body temperature getting high and beats faster with her breaths shorter and longer. She now not interested in reading but watching the pictures and imagining the scenes. She touched herself at chest and down there. She looked at the red panel which now turned into carmine red which fired up her desires more aggressively so she pressed herself uncontrollably. She loosened the knot of her trouser and slipped her hand into but the alarm waked her up from the fantasies. She exhaled waited there to bring her body at normal behavior. Once she felt ease, then rushed to the washroom where she splashed tap water on her face, adjusted her hairs and watched her situation in the mirror.

“I am sorry I am late, Merry”, she took her seat.

“Good Heavens!” Merry said teasing her, “what were you reading up there? Look at your cheeks, dear, all pink like cotton candy”.

“Oh stop it Merry”, Hiranya replied, “what would you like to order?”

“Same as everyday”.

Hiranya had ordered a burger and a hotdog sandwich with extra sauce.

“I thought you were vegan. I mean look at your figure, dear. A perfect smasher”, she took a bite and said chewing.

Hiranya couldn’t listened what she had said  and focused on her food but when she realized she had missed something then she said, “sorry, you were saying something”.

“nothing”, Merry leaned back in her chair and said winking at her, “I see you like meat stick more than green”.

Hiranya simply blushed but her cheeks glowing even more pink than earlier. For the first time they took farewell with smiles.

She had ordered chicken piccata and wine for dinner  as she felt lazy to make on her own. She ate it like a child; full mouth with both hands. Though she had tried the wine for first time, she felt its test familiar to her tongue. She enjoyed the delicious food and drink with expressions like yum…..hmmm….yummy….delicious. She had finished more than her appetite. She threw herself on the bed and dimmed the lights to sleep but the thoughts of cabin made her horny but same time the wine made her dizzy as it was not her cup of tea even though she put her hand on her breast then stacked a pillow middle of legs and went to sleep in absolute hangover.

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In the morning she struggled with her choices between red top and jeans or simple Salwar suit but to her rescue her husband came. She saw his image in the mirror coming closer to her. He placed his hands over her naked shoulders as she had wrapped a towel around her. It pecked on her neck and said in her ears, “you can do this. You always liked the red. You loved to spend hours on make up. You always loved to be a doll”, he kissed on her lips and vanished before saying, “paint your lips red and wear the red. You deserve every aspect of the life”.

Finally her conflict over throne by his whispers and she had on red top with sky blue skinny jeans. She chose black heels over shoes. Painted her nails and lips red matched to the top. For one last time she checked herself in the mirror. Her assets were  curvier and bigger than before as she had grown few muscles for herself. She continued her reading in the cabin which was even darker in red than anytime before. She spread her legs wide on the chair and unhooked the jeans and put her hand inside her red panty. First she felt the wetness and warmth of her vaginal heat. She had followed the book and finally she had the organism but not yet satisfactory so she cleansed herself with the napkins and washed her hands and face in the bathroom.

She came down in the canteen early than usual so she could have talks with Merry. Soon they ordered their regular meal and began the conversation with light things like how beautiful Hiranya looks in western dress and how good hearted Merry was. Merry even passed complements many times to Hiranya to which she could blush only. But Merry found Hiranya absent in middle as she was staring the men especially their eyes, hairs, the way they moved their hands, the skin types. Even the regular waiter stared her many times and came to their table for any reason and stared her more intensely.

Marry winked, “seems your push up bras doing their magic”. And they both giggled.

She then teased the waiter calling him for no reason and inhaling long breaths to puff her breast out. The waiter seemed to hide his boner with the tray many times. And they burst into laughter. Merry told her to follow to her working desk. There they talked memories.

Merry recounted her scenes looking at the empty chair, “I miss Mr. Williams too much. He used to sit on this chair and sometimes I can see him sitting on it. Many times in the canteen listening to us. And every time in the house as if he is my shadow”.

Hiranya held her hand, “I can understand”.

“He devoted his life to this library, dear. He was in love with Indian culture, customs and a scholar of Sanskrit. For few years he chased Indian myths and taboos but fate played its card and left me alive to suffer the vex alone”, she moved her attention from the empty chair to Hiranya and continued, ” as I always said I am an old book. But you my dear, you have entire life ahead and this finest vessel so don’t waste either of that and celebrate the every moment”.

“I am trying but the past hold me back. I can’t get myself out of it even though I hear my husband saying live the life”.

“Then at least you should respect his wish”, Merry said with passion, “he would have wanted to see you as the girl he fell in love with not as his wife carrying the burden of past”.

Hiranya found logic in her words and resemblances with those motivational books. And her eyes brighten up which had lost the luster. She squeezed her hand tightly and said, “Merry, you are an angel”.

She too placed her hand on her and said, “no dear, I am just an assistant”.

Hiranya hugged her tightly and said, “I should be going now”.

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In the night she had taken the hot shower, she was used to that years ago. She put on black silk short  night dress from her old wears. She knew that she behaving absent minded since the afternoon as the lust had taken over her mind. It was an obscenity to think of the thoughts she was thinking but same time she couldn’t resist the temptation of the need of the body being fulfilled. She had taken the food yet she was hungry. Hot shower and the silk night dressed just worsened her thirst. She genuinely tried to sleep but till the midnight she rolled from one side to another rethinking the readings of the book. She thought drinking water would ca her down but then she heard a known voice, “feed your desires, Hiranya. There is nothing wrong in touching yourself. Feel your heat Hiranya”. She startled as she couldn’t see Jai and only his voice. The less of the dress slipped down her shoulder revealing her left side breast. The shadow came out of the mirror and whispered, “look at your body signs it is calling you”. She looked into mirror and found herself attractive and seductive so she pulled down the right less of the dress. Now she was topless staring her own body with infidelity in her own eyes. She slowly placed her left hand on the left breast, felt own softness then she put right palm on right one and felt the warmth of breasts.

“Good, now press them”, the shadow whispered into her mind. She followed its command and pressed slowly. After a minute she seemed enjoying so it commanded, “now harder”. She grabbed them so harshly that she moaned, it gave her pain but she continued as she wanted more of the pain. She slowly slid on the bed with pressing own breast then she spread her legs as wide as possible and touched her under thighs with tips of the fingers. It released a wave through her body so she had to quenched her limbs inside like a tortoise. Soon her fingers reached on her inner.

“You are doing absolutely right”, it whispered again.

Slowly she removed her inner and threw it on the floor. She was still circling around her upper thighs but couldn’t proceed so it whispered through her, “let me help you Hiranya”. Her hands were possessed by the shadow and she had lost control on her limbs and slowly her legs pulled back halfway then a finger went in her so she moaned. Then her finger came out and again with a force went in then two fingers poked inside her and thumb rubbing her clitoris. She couldn’t control herself so she said quenching her body, “please harder, I am there. Jai please faster”.

This time her limbs followed her commands. Her eyes were closed but she could see the darkest red inside the room, everything in the room was red including her bed also the smell of the book growing stronger. She opened her eyes to ensure but the room was painted in red and smelling strongly Jai. She had illusioned her thought. She had terrified with the scene so she closed her eyes again  and finally she had an explosive organism as just described in the book. She opened her eyes with shivering legs then she saw her only white body and semen spread on the red bed.

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In the morning she couldn’t dare to open her eyes though she had to and when she did open her eyes she saw light coming through the window. She pulled over a blanket, observed the room which was as normal as the light itself. Her heart was still terrified but with small steps she went into the bathroom and washed herself with the sense of guilty in her mind. But when hot water washed the strain of the night, she looked her blossomed face in the mirror which painted her cheeks pink and plastered her face with a broad smile.

The day had already began with the strange mixed feelings about the self punitive evaluation of the past deeds and the joy that came out of it. The day literally stood out strange as Merry was not at her desk so no greetings. With soft humming she was choosing another book to read today with the agenda to finish in single reading thus consequently she had avoided lengthy and brick books and moved to short novels. When it came to reading a book she never had had that mixed feelings. She moved her fingers along the books rack reading them quickly, she stopped at a book with black cover then read the title “Last Flap of the Red Butterfly”. She took it out, stopped humming when saw a red melting butterfly on its from cover. She turned the book to read summary which clearly mentioned that the book was about the protagonist’s pessimism though she put entered into the cabin.

She had skipped the acknowledgement and author’s note. She criticized the first chapter for too lame to walk to second chapter. She felt little suffocating so she had readjusted vents but to her astonishment the panel had turned out into blood red. She thought she would going to ask about the changing shades of the panel to Merry but then with incomplete scientific approach concluded that it might be caused by the light. She then finished the second chapter with the mixed attention; half in the book and rest in the night thinking of repeating the act of pleasure again. By the 8th chapter she had immersed into the book and after finishing the book on 10th chapter she had evaluated the acts of the protagonist happened to be a woman. Hiranya thought for a second about the moment that lead the heroine to commit suicide out of the guilt she was experiencing when she had fallen in love with another man after her husband’s death.

So Hiranya asked her a question, “what is wrong in starting new life with new partner. It isn’t betrayal at all?”

Author had answered her question in the book when he had concluded to another character, “if love is true then it will be enough for eternity, if it is true. But if when you fall for another partner then it is just out of the needs. Needs of attention, finance, support, security and most importantly the need of the body, physical need or sexual need”.

Hiranya first denied the opinion but when she connect it to own life then she had accepted it as a fact so found herself guilty. She couldn’t realize that she was soaked in sweat and the panel appeared to be soaking so she hastily left the cabin. In few hours  her behavior had turned from nymphomaniac to pessimist. She was waiting on her table for Merry looking her surrounding in suspicion that everyone was staring at her and gossiping about her betrayal.
Finally Merry shown up on the scene apologizing to her, “I am so sorry I was busy in management work”.

Hiranya swiftly pulled her hand and said looking at everyone, “I think…. I have done something terrible”.

“My heavens! What happened to you, Hiranya?”

“Shhhh!” Hiranya shushed her up, “slowly they are listening to us”, she pointed at everyone by her eyes, “they know what I have done”.

“What exactly have you done, dear?”

“I have betrayed my husband”. She whispered.

“What are you talking, Hiranya?” Merry said, “I don’t understand”.

“Yesterday I was disgraceful to Jai”, tears rolled down her cheeks, “I was neither a wife nor a girlfriend but a lascivious”.

Merry pulled her hand out slowly, leaned back and said in bluntness manner , “to me, disgraceful to the dead is a kind of a cardinal sin without any rue and if you say so then you are a skullduggery wife and worst daughter in law ever as you just not only insult you husband but also your in-laws”.

She hurried through the canteen and reached home. She threw herself on the bed crying, sobbing and babbling, “I am sorry Jai. I betray you. I don’t deserve to live”.

She couldn’t stop herself for another couple of minutes then an ominous sound of crying joined her in. She stopped herself but the tears still running from her eyes. It was the shadow of Jai pretending to be sad and crying.

She took walk in its direction then the shadow said in shriek tone, “you are right Hiranya, you should be dead”.

“Jai please forgive me”, she went nigh to it.

“Forgive you for what”, its shallow eyes looked into her eyes, “for bringing disgrace to my family or for  being a slut”.

She explained, “but you had helped me. You made me do it”.

“Remember when I told you that I am just your thoughts”, it scolded, “don’t put your lust on my grave. It was all your fault. It was your fingers which committed the sin”. It went away from her, continued, “yesterday you blamed me for you were alive but if you had so much problem with the living then why did not you kill yourself. I brought you in my life, gave you the family. You were no longer an orphan and you told me to fuck off, huh. Do you really want to see how fucked I am?” The shadow turned itself into giant screeching flames, “see what you have bring upon me by doing the cardinal sin in my name, you slut”. And it went through her body. She screamed in agony for few moments then her eyes had dried up, her mouth was  barren too.

“I am sorry for the torment of hell I have caused you she said lowly without looking at it, “you are right. I don’t deserve to live”. She had said last time looking at the ceiling fan.

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It was another new Sunday morning of South Mumbai. An aspiring future IAS officer of 23 was standing in front of the Merry.

He explained her, “I am preparing for Civil Services Examination so I need a quiet place. Do you have such place, aunty?”

“Oh dear, call me Merry”, she said in energetic tone, “you do like green!”

“How do you know that, aunty?”

“I am a witch”, they both laughed and she continued, “your sneakers are green! and we got a surprise for you on the third floor. You take a tour and decide yourself”.

He used lift to the third floor. There he saw green cabin in the middle of all the colorful cabins. He uttered, ” Maze!” He took tour of the place, studied all the detailing then went inside the cabin. He saw yellow engraved panels in Sanskrit. He sat for few minutes and eventually had decided to subscribe Reader’s Cruise.

“I am in. I liked the building”, he had come down and asked Merry, “aunty, why those names are engraved on panels?

“My husband was an British era architecture who personally built this establishment especially the third floor” she explained, “they all were your predecessors”.

He asked playfully, “were they successful and at higher position?”

“Oh dear, believe me”, she smiled and answered, “you can’t imagine the position they have secured for them”.

He had collected his card and walked out but returned to informed, “oh I forgot to tell you, the engraving of Hiranya is bleeding red color”. And he walked to the canteen.

Merry looked at an empty chair near her chair and said, “you have consumed the soul, haven’t you Mr. William?”.

She was staring the chair for few moments then the chair had turned to the clockwise.

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